I can feel something building inside me. Letters boiling my blood. Punctuation clogging my arteries. Words. Places. Names. A name. One word. Building within myself. I am unraveling. My denial has taken me to a point of calmness, however, it is not my favorite place. I had forgotten the sound of your voice, your high pitched laugh, your mannerisms. They had dissolved on the tip of my tongue and I had briefly seen you as a memory. You were blurry. The color of your eyes a green, was it blue? Was it brown? You had become pixels, scattered about all around me. Never truly leaving. Like fireflies, drawn to the light, you reformed in an instant. A taste is introduced called potential. How do I continue when I see potential in an already finished relationship. You were the oncoming storm that brought light into my life. But you gave me rain in due season.
I promise not to unrealistically depict you. You are sarcastic. You are flirtatious. You are coy. You were kind. You had a nice smile. You had a sweet voice. But I will not make the mistake of losing myself because I lost you. Because this time, I know who I am. You are another gorgeous face to fall pray to my charms, but I will never admit if I was affected by yours. I am strong, and though I loved the way you made me feel, I love the way I respect myself much more. I will not do what I did last time. I will not set fire to my soul, and I won’t hope to burn the scent of you that still lingers on my skin. I will remember you, I will know that you happened. But more importantly, I will erect a small monument in my brain dedicated to your memory. I will sculpt each curl and every wave in your hair and each limb to perfect accuracy. I will sign your name at the bottom and admire my work. Damn I did good with you. But then I will remember, I can always do better, and I will crumble your sculpture to dust. I will not fall apart on this August 23rd as I did on the last.
It is time to seize the moment. Hold a little longer. Hug a little tighter. Squeeze a little harder. I will not let go, I do not except the ephemeral nature of this moment, I am going to stay here forever. It is the final countdown, I whisper to myself. You are close, as we lay together on early mornings, silently, loudly, tenderly. you pull me to you and I am reminded that your body won’t be mine forever. But I also realize that your body is not what I want. You lay your head on my chest. “I can hear your heartbeat”. You look up, as your blue eyes catch the early sun and pierce me. I see you. I want you. Your heart, your soul, your smile, you likes, your dislikes, your flaws, I want all of you. My heart skips, and you notice. I feel it pounding inside me, trying to leap out of my chest. My skin is warm as you kiss the goosebumps on my arms and shoulders. I’m on fire for you. Just don’t let this moment end today. Let me lay here forever.